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30 September 2006 @ 04:13 pm
I have made a huge mistake  

In the immortal words of the Bluth family, I have made a huge mistake. Sure, I am hormonal, that must be the reason I am such a disgusting, crying, sniveling, needy mess. But I should have known better than to get myself into this situation.

I met Jim 5 years ago, he was 21, I was 31, and we fooled around. Nothing came of it, as I had no idea that his girlfriend or ex girlfriend or whatever she was was 8 months pregnant with his kid. So the only time I talked to him was when I saw him at work (he cleaned there) and that was it for awhile. He left for college in Wyoming a few months later, came home on break, fucked me again and forgot about me again.

Fast forward another year or so, he came home from WYoming, I was in the end stages of a disastrous relationship with an asshole, and we started hooking up again, on a fairly regular basis. I still didn't take him seriously at all, he worked all the time and tended to show up at my house drunk in the middle of the night for a mediocre booty call and then some sleep. It petered out, although I started to feel some affection for him, it just wasn't going to work. Six months later he shows up in the middle of the night again, and wears down my resistance to him, fucks me and then disappears again, because he is helping the mother of his kid, who was pregnant with someone else's kid, trying to put this idiot through rehab, etc, taking care of her kid and getting used bigtime.

So, that peters out at the beginning of this year. By March, he is homeless, so he comes here to see me. At first I wanted nothing to do with him, but I am the biggest bleeding heart on the planet, so I started to let him crash here. He had stopped drinking, and has a degenerative back condition, and for the first time, we talked. About all kinds of things, books, history, anything. He cooked, he cleaned, he cuddled up with me at night, eventually we started having sex again. His daughter moved in, as her mother was on the verge of losing custody of her. So was he for that matter. But you know what, I was dumb enough to believe him when he said he had always loved me, that I was the one who never gave him a chance, that I used to laugh at him when he said he wanted to be with me...all of that is true. But a week after he moved in here he said he loved me, and I fucking fell for it.

So here I am almost six months pregnant. We used to have sex twice a day, he used to kiss me like he couldn't get enough. Now we haven't had sex in almost a week. And to me, that is the end of the world. If I am not getting laid, it means he is not attracted to me. If he is not attracted to me, then what the hell are we but roomates? Oh yes, did I leave out the part where I pretty much support him and his child? he gets no child support, he is trying to get disability for his back injury, so he has no income. He sleeps or lies in bed all day. I work, I come home, I clean the house, I buy his cigarettes and drive him to all of his pain clinic appointments. When he has to go to the ER, even in the middle of the night, I go with him, even if it means no sleep and I have to work the next day. I pay for his cell phone, I bought his daughter's school clothes. My own kids hate his daughter, because this kid has a boatload of issues that he hasn't dealt with, and she makes us all miserable, including him.

So anyway, here I am, supporting this entire family, cleaning the house, paying for, bringing in and putting away the groceries. I do everything. I am pregnant and tired, and yet I get maybe 5 hours of sleep a night. And now he doesn't have a sex drive all of a sudden, and I am supposed to believe that he loves me and wants to marry me and all this other fucking nonsense? Whatever. Nothing phases him. I have tried talking about this until I am blue in the face. He is Mr. I Can't Communicate. He listens and then refuses to say anything at all. Won't tell me his feelings, what he is thinking, nothing. Just Mr. Passive Aggressive. This drives me insane. All I want is to know that he loves me, that he thinks I am sexy and beautiful and that he wants to have this baby with me. All I want is to know that I not doing all of this for nothing. But what is he doing right now? He is sleeping. Even thugh he knows I am upset. I mean, I love this baby, I really do, but sometimes I wish I had never gotten pregnant, that I had never let him back into my life.
KSena: Green Beauty made by chinnikseenaa on October 2nd, 2006 12:47 am (UTC)
Don't know what to say more then what you said yourself. In your subject-line.